27th February 2014

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I’m not happy in life at the moment. Real isn’t real anymore and there’s no such thing as earning things for yourself thru hard work. Extremely disgusted and can’t stand being in this state of mind.

29th July 2013

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Friday

Well, this weekend Im leaving for New York to see the guy Ive been talking to for months now. Feeling extra nervous at times, and other times I dont. Its making me realize how much I dont really have trust in the people around me, as if Im expecting the worst in everything Im involved in. Is there the slightest chance that this will actually work out? Part of me doesnt even want to bother trying, because the failure part of this situation is not what I feel like going thru. Its why I decide to stay single..

Got a text from about 30 mins ago saying that he was nervous and excited at the same time.. but feeling funny. He went on with saying “Im happy though”. Maybe we’re in the same thought process but not really expressing it? He’s been telling me all week that he wasnt nervous and was just excited. Maybe hes hiding how he really feels?…  The entire relationship was about being totally honest and open with each other, and now Im not sure if thats going on. Could be because we’re both on the defense. I have no clue…  All I know is that right now, I dont like how Im feeling. Wondering, not knowing whats going to happen, hoping this wasnt just lust. My stomach is upset today, and I havent been able to eat. Why cant this just being easy going?.. Easy and comfort without the worries. It felt so easy at the start until now… the deadline.

So confused.

20th June 2013

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Taking advantage?

My cousin is a piece of work. Can’t own up to his own decisions and always blaming everyone else for his fuck ups. He’s so inconsiderate, forgetting that I let him live in my small ass apartment so he was able to get on his own two feet. The kid owes me money which I haven’t given him shit about but now I’m the asshole since he was caught cheating on his girlfriend. Then he has the balls to tell my mother that I’m on a “90 day probation”. Bitch! Get the fuck out of here. This dead weight is nothing BUT that. Peace nig.

13th June 2013

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There he is again! We literally Skype every day now. Just had to put his cutie face on blast :)

There he is again! We literally Skype every day now. Just had to put his cutie face on blast :)

9th June 2013

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Here he is.. the one ive been chatting to for two months now. Cant even begin to describe how sweet he is to me. Everyone that knows the both of us is really excited for our link up. Although I’m always in this thought that he deserves better….

Was chatting with my best friend Louis yesterday and he seems to think I put myself down a lot when it comes to things that may be in my best interest. What these guys dont know is I was very content with the thought of never trying to date or get really deep with anyone again. I really felt like there was no possible way I could ever feel like I did when my ex fiance was around. Theres a wall I keep up before I even try getting close to anyone, and usually I can tell when its just not going to work. I tend to have a very cold shoulder when that happens, and it usually causes the situation to get worse. For some reason, this guy blew down every standard ive had going for years. I’m still quite skeptical though, and afraid I’m setting myself up for failure. 

I met this guy a year ago, and it was extremely brief. I was in new york city for a couple of days visiting my friend Tony before I went to Sun and Bass. While I was there, I wanted to check out whatever drum and bass events going on. There happened to be Remedy on a Thursday night, so we went. I had no clue who was even there. We walked into the venue, got some drinks and vibed out for a bit. I spotted this guy wearing a Reinforced tshirt which blew my mind. Wanted to know where he got it. He then spotted my Moving Shadow tattoo and we clicked really well. This guys name is Lenny. He introduced me to his girlfriend Esther who was also very awesome. These two were friends of Sean. It was getting towards the end of the night and I briefly met Sean. Probably for a few short seconds, literally. I added all three to facebook when I got back from Sardinia. Sean and Lenny briefly hit me up here and there asking to come out to nyc and play at Remedy sometime, which I sort of blew off. They couldnt pay for flights, and I really had no reason to be in nyc bur to visit friends if I were paying for travel costs. It so happened that Louis bought tickets to James Blake and demanded I came to see him. So I made plans to nyc. I told Sean about it because I was quite excited to remeet these guys again. Some how Sean and I started getting a bit close before I made my trip. When I was there, I didnt get to hang with him mucb but was able to see him and see what ge was about. Its been quite a journey at this point. Our conversations are really deep and we vibe off each other really well. The communication is there, which helps so neither of us are on different levels. Id say we’re pretty much dating considering the bond we’ve created. Its a shame I cant see him for a while. Breaking my leg really set me back a while. Its good that hes been holdinf on though.  

I do genuinely feel like this will really be a great relationship, but I’m stuck in my ways a little still. Kind of bothers me because I know we need to take chances in life, and learn from them. Our distance might really mess this up. He wants me to move to nyc to be closer but I literally cant make it there on my own. Not sure what to do yet. I’m afraid he might get frustrated with this situation and find someone else to be close to. Like right now, I havent heard from him all night and I’m thinking hes probably with someone being seductive. He usually calls me quite late at night, which is why I’m thinking like this. In reality though, I know he was up late as shit last night ans went to work this morning. He could be asleep!… 

Yes I can be a complete idiot sometimes. I dont put pressure on this relationship because I myself do not like pressure either. So I’m keeping my mouth shut in hopes that he will contact me on his own timw. Which I’m sure he will.

Well, we shall see how this goes. I really cant believe how sweet he is though. Everything about him is incredibly amazing. Its time I chill out and try to go about this relationship the right way. Wish me luck with this cutie :) ♡♥♡

Here he is.. the one ive been chatting to for two months now. Cant even begin to describe how sweet he is to me. Everyone that knows the both of us is really excited for our link up. Although I’m always in this thought that he deserves better….

Was chatting with my best friend Louis yesterday and he seems to think I put myself down a lot when it comes to things that may be in my best interest. What these guys dont know is I was very content with the thought of never trying to date or get really deep with anyone again. I really felt like there was no possible way I could ever feel like I did when my ex fiance was around. Theres a wall I keep up before I even try getting close to anyone, and usually I can tell when its just not going to work. I tend to have a very cold shoulder when that happens, and it usually causes the situation to get worse. For some reason, this guy blew down every standard ive had going for years. I’m still quite skeptical though, and afraid I’m setting myself up for failure.

I met this guy a year ago, and it was extremely brief. I was in new york city for a couple of days visiting my friend Tony before I went to Sun and Bass. While I was there, I wanted to check out whatever drum and bass events going on. There happened to be Remedy on a Thursday night, so we went. I had no clue who was even there. We walked into the venue, got some drinks and vibed out for a bit. I spotted this guy wearing a Reinforced tshirt which blew my mind. Wanted to know where he got it. He then spotted my Moving Shadow tattoo and we clicked really well. This guys name is Lenny. He introduced me to his girlfriend Esther who was also very awesome. These two were friends of Sean. It was getting towards the end of the night and I briefly met Sean. Probably for a few short seconds, literally. I added all three to facebook when I got back from Sardinia. Sean and Lenny briefly hit me up here and there asking to come out to nyc and play at Remedy sometime, which I sort of blew off. They couldnt pay for flights, and I really had no reason to be in nyc bur to visit friends if I were paying for travel costs. It so happened that Louis bought tickets to James Blake and demanded I came to see him. So I made plans to nyc. I told Sean about it because I was quite excited to remeet these guys again. Some how Sean and I started getting a bit close before I made my trip. When I was there, I didnt get to hang with him mucb but was able to see him and see what ge was about. Its been quite a journey at this point. Our conversations are really deep and we vibe off each other really well. The communication is there, which helps so neither of us are on different levels. Id say we’re pretty much dating considering the bond we’ve created. Its a shame I cant see him for a while. Breaking my leg really set me back a while. Its good that hes been holdinf on though.

I do genuinely feel like this will really be a great relationship, but I’m stuck in my ways a little still. Kind of bothers me because I know we need to take chances in life, and learn from them. Our distance might really mess this up. He wants me to move to nyc to be closer but I literally cant make it there on my own. Not sure what to do yet. I’m afraid he might get frustrated with this situation and find someone else to be close to. Like right now, I havent heard from him all night and I’m thinking hes probably with someone being seductive. He usually calls me quite late at night, which is why I’m thinking like this. In reality though, I know he was up late as shit last night ans went to work this morning. He could be asleep!…

Yes I can be a complete idiot sometimes. I dont put pressure on this relationship because I myself do not like pressure either. So I’m keeping my mouth shut in hopes that he will contact me on his own timw. Which I’m sure he will.

Well, we shall see how this goes. I really cant believe how sweet he is though. Everything about him is incredibly amazing. Its time I chill out and try to go about this relationship the right way. Wish me luck with this cutie :) ♡♥♡

9th June 2013

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Its really hard to surround yourself with trust worthy people. Even when it comee to family matters.

My cousin for instance. Hes being completely worthless and using up all his resources within the people that want to believe in him. Hes jobless, homeless and lost the perfect girl hes ever had in his life. His roommate and him got into a heated fight which caused him to get kicked out. Then Joe (roommate) decided to call his girl and spill the beans about him cheating on her. Brian tried telling her that Joe was lying. When she asked me, I felt like I couldnt lie to her. I gain nothing in lying and I dont live that kind of lifestyle. Johanna has been nothing but a great person to me, literally. So lying to her would only break an awesome friendship I’ve gained with her. Now my cousin is pissed off, and I’m sure his mother is too considering she tried lying and covering up too. Brian has been living in a tent in her back yard since all this has happened. I honestly feel bad but am drained from trying to show him responsibility. Theres absolutely no reason at all for him to cheat on her when shes been trying to help him also. Now she feels betrayed and drained as well. I love the kid but cant keep dragging myself down in trying to show him a different lifestyle. Its as if he doesnt know any better. All my lorain county friends are like this… I feel like I’m the only one that got out of there to see a bigger picture. If he never talk to me again, I will accept it for what it is and hope that he will see the same path I did.

My brother pretty much has the same attitude but his is more of a control thing. My mother stayed with me for a week to help around my apartment with my broken leg. We went backed to her house for a little and stayed the night. My brother had such a shitty attitude when I was around. It was as if he was jealous that my mom actually came to my aid. I never ask my family for anything, ever. I haven’t since I left to be on my own in my teens. This actually meant a lot to me that she came. For the longest time ive felt like my family and I were divided. Now its just my brother making the divide. His girlfriend tries getting in the middle of shit when she has no business to. Shes not even considered part of my family. She talks down to my mothers friends and shit. Its just a bad scene I general. I told my mother I wont be visiting when hes there anymore. I cant stand the negative behavior he sends.

All in all, I want to stay true to myself. I like living in situations that are real. Keeping good people around in my life is what we all should have to keep moving ahead. This is what I’m going for.

30th May 2013

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Him

Not sure what I’m doing but I cant help to feel like this might actually be the one. Its kind of a scarey thought really. Its to bad that hes in nyc right now. Makes me a bit afraid that distance could destroy the awesome times we’ve been sharing lately. Just wanted to share this short thought for now. No one even knows that I’m involved with someone. Id like for this to be official before I release any news :)

4th May 2013

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That moment you realize all the effort you put into a 14 year friendship to someone you considered your own flesh and blood for it to slip away over an argument that was misunderstood. Then letting yourself leave the situation so coldly, but thinking about it 2 months later, wondering why you’re just now deeply upset about it all. Did I accidentally fall in love with my friend and not know it? Or am I being the big hearted woman I’ve always been and letting it finally catch up to me?..

15th January 2013

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Always fall for the impossible, losing focus on the obvious. I’m such a day dreamer.

8th January 2013

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Really need a legit escape plan away from Cleveland where I can be me without the bullshit. It’s so intense how you lose the thing closest to you by making decisions based on what’s best for YOU in the given situation. An extreme change is coming over me this year, and it can be felt all ready.